I had this burning anger all day and it just decided to show up without my permission. I was pretty listless and anxious to find something to do before I break down which is seldom in my nature to do so in the front of my family. I’ve always stayed and looked strong in the front of everybody. I have always survived and I do not have any room for the give up attitude in my vocabulary. So I decided to make some bath bombs and went shopping for Halloween goodies in the Victorian catalog. The bath bombs turned out to be little weird but we will find out if it was made right in 36 hours.
Later in the day, I decided to watch the TV and it may have not been a good idea to watch my favorite program, Bones. It showed many things about death. It made me wonder about me and my prognosis. I began questioning in silence and then I grew more fearful that it will happen to me after watching the show while I watched my kids walking back and forth in the living room across from me. How young they are! Four of them who still need their strong mother who always loved to have fun with them and have always been there since they were born. Here I am sitting my ass on the bed feeling tears trailing down on my face not knowing what to say or talk about with the children. I grew more fearful once again so I asked my mom to come down to sit down and talk with me. She said it was okay that I felt this way…many phases of emotions and it is healthy. I know that I have been very positive about the whole thing but every now and then, the negative emotions creep into my heart and mind whenever I question it. Why is it happening to a young mother with four children and a new house waiting for us? That made me so angry and I also don’t have any answer to my little ones’ questions but to keep saying that I love them very very much and that I will always be there for them no matter what. Oh there are so many things why I am so damn angry about….
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