July 10, 2009

Time to live in the moment. Not the past or future; only the now. ~ Quoted by my dear friend, Maleika.

I am now embarking on a new journey - into the unknown. Not into the darkness, because I will be surrounded by loved ones and many networks of support. To battle a cancer called Mucoid Carcinoma. My mom will post information here on this type of cancer as soon as she can. I was sick for over two months with an ear infection, and a sinus infection. Then with asthma, then lastly, with pneumonia with lumps on my neck and underarm pit. The medications weren't helping me to get better.

The doctors ordered x rays, blood work and CAT scans, which showed lumps in my lungs. It was originally thought that I had Hodgkin's Disease until I had the biopsy, which was last Monday, I had surgery to remove the lump from my underarm pit and sent the tissue to San Francisco Kaiser Cancer Department. It is a cancer officially called Mucoid Carcinoma. Right now, we do not know where it came from yet. From breasts or lungs, or both?

On July 10th, the battle has begun...I began my first round of chemotherapy. It lasted seven hours. I survived a brief moment of sheer terror because it [“It” being the whole situation] finally sank in. But I banished it quickly...I want to stay positive about the whole thing. Yes it is and will be very hard. I slept right through it. I am now a drug addict...loving the needles, better drugs, chemo, appetite stimulants, nausea and constipation relievers, diarrhea relievers, benadryl, very excellent cough syrup, herbs (good and bad ones), who knows what else?? I used to hate taking them, was a former worst pill taker. They are my friends now; to help me get better. I ain't going to worry about the loss(es) I will have in a few weeks. That will be told later when the time comes.

The prayers, support, encouragement, faith, love and positive healing vibes from all of you will be so much appreciated. I know that I will – I MUST beat this. It is not easy for me to post this as it is so freaking new to me and my wonderful children; to my family, friends and new people...not easy at all. I just need a lot of support, encouragement and most of all, laughter - any type. There is one thing or two I despise: Pity and different treatment [ie: Treating me differently now because of my situation or trying to pretend that I am not sick]. On my next blog, I will be more emotionally and mentally equipped to continue to update as much as I can. My new motto is the above quote. "Time to live in the moment, not past or future, only the now”. I will not question it, for I will not get any answer but my own. Accept, face and beat it is my answer.

So I look forward to facing the most challenging battle ever with renewed energy, positive energy, sheer determination, strength, faith and belief. Most of all, it is all of you who will be there in every step of the way with me on my journey. Including my little ones, my mom and my brother. Please do not hesitate to share your thoughts, comments, research, advice, anything including jokes. I love to laugh and it is the best medicine as well.

All of my love,
Lisa

July 25, 2009

I am having one of those chemo PMS days. I noticed that the pissflap’s hair is starting to fall off. I woke up with a pimple on my nose---I felt like a little bit of human again but still having self pity moments. Kids were not speaking in complete sentences and that irritated me to no end. Isaac is now isolated due to coughs and has to be kept away from me.

July 24, 2009

I slept and was hurting a lot with a lot of shit (probably nothing) on my mind. Going back and forth to Santa Rosa this past week was very tiresome on the both of us (me and my mom). I started to crotchet a hat for myself and found an unusual yarn for the hat among many things in the boxes at my house. The hat might look like an ostrich’s head. It is hairy brown yarn.

July 23, 2009

Bone scan day…I had to go to the radiology to get a radiation injection then waited for 3 hours so we went shopping again for birthday gifts and got a half box of delicious strawberries from a farmer. I had a sudden surge of unusual energy burst that I made screwed up strawberry jam after we got home but will call them homemade strawberry syrup.

July 22, 2009

We dropped off the urinal container; blood work---at least 10 tubes. I was little anxious about the blood results because I was told that I may need an adjustment in my medications and/or need new medication. I was trying not to get my hopes up or down by trying not so hard to control what is happening. I went to shopping with mom. Kids went to bowling today for the first time and they scored very well.

July 21, 2009

I rested and slept. After I had a bath, the 1/3 of my hair is now gone and I started to weep because it was unexpected. Too soon. Pasty came over to shave it all off. Mom clean shaved later because I didn’t like the look of it with little bit of hair on some areas. I either looked like as if I were scalped by Mohawk Indians or a concentration camp prisoner. A very interesting to have a new hair-do and it will take some time to get used to. I am a baldie now. I will have to get some suntan on my scalp because it doesn’t match my skin color. Too white! It was sorta a quiet day…needed to give myself a sufficient time to process what’s happening to me.

July 20, 2009

I had appointments with PGE and surgeon. My cats left me a present…mouse discovery---ugh!! I decided to buy new bikes for the kids. One of many milestones for them. Danielle didn’t want to grow up too soon due to the lack of training wheels so she will wait for her Uncle Eddie to help her to ride her bike.

July 19, 2009

I had many visitors in one day. A heightened smell sensory was noticed in the early morning. The sun was in already and I was having my coffee. I thought I was sniffing something fishy in the air. What first came into my thought---a mermaid’s fufu. Unbelievable to think like that but it sure smelled very fishy out there. The tide was low and I guess all the sea animals were struggling to find some watery covering before the seagulls swooped down to catch and eat them.

July 18, 2009

Another shitty day!! Just like last Saturday. Ugh!!! I am wondering if it is going to be like every Saturday to be constipated. I think it is worse than having diarrhea. Felt like giving a birth to a bunch of bricks. I was counting pennies before putting them in the coin rolls and saved pennies with wheat symbols for the future. I was also having an hour of self-pity by sitting outside staring at nothing. Mind does great things, eh? Creative imaginations were in the making. With clear conscious, I was naming the shapes of the clouds in the blue sky. The frog, a goldfish with bug eyes and belly and a head of chicken were the shapes I saw in the fluffy and white clouds passing by. I rarely did that only whenever I am in a unique situation that’d change/affect the ways of thinking, emotions and mental. I was exploring the world around me with new eyes and heightened sensory. Vivid colors, gentle ripple of the bay’s tide, birds, seagulls, bees, dragonflies and hummingbirds flying all around me. Bright colored flowers are almost about to bloom fully. I seemed to be having some kind of spiritual transformation. It was telling me that I will be definitely okay and that everything will go beautifully whether I’d have good and bad days in ahead of me.

July 17, 2009

A PET scan appt in Richmond. Pegi babysat the kids…bless her heart. I slept right through the PET scan because I took valium for my anxiety in case of claustrophobia. The puke episode occurred at the restaurant because I was instructed not to eat since last night and took all those medications prior to the PET scan appointment. Boy! I tried not to puke on anyone all the way to the back of the restaurant. Hee Hee! It was a nice trip for a change. The appointment was in Richmond near San Francisco. I was exploring the hills, cows, sheep and the beauty of rolling grass and trees on the way. Too bad that Richmond was a reminder of the city in Southern California and it was not pretty just to shop or eat a good lunch. So we ended up in San Rafael which was a nice town and we walked a bit before we had a lunch at the Crepe Restaurant which was fabulous.

July 16, 2009

The Monster Discovery after my good long bath…this monster (cancer lump under my armpit) will now be known as Melvi whose ass will be kicked daily. As I proceeded to shave those hairy armpit and one of them had this ugly ass ball sticking its tongue at me because I was unable to shave or stare at it. I looked away from it as I started to feel the anger and sadness. Melvi will be sorry for entering into my body and tries to get me so sick that she thinks that I can’t do any shit in my life. So I will beat the crap outta Melvi until she is gone and whether she likes it or not, I will continue to live my life as much as I can despite the feeling of wiped out, sleepiness or an inability to think straight thanks to the chemo that fried some parts of my brain.

July 15, 2009

What an excellent day with many good hours, the kids went to summer camp, my stepdaughter last person on the earth to know and starts to irritate me about my health and for my permission to visit in August. I don’t know…mixed emotions to my ex and she is a major pipeline of information to him. Now I got the Living Will and Power of Attorney done…perhaps in time, I will let Chanel know about my decisions. Just don’t feel like dealing with her dramatic negative emotions if she can’t handle once she finds out.

July 14, 2009

I slept a lot with little appetite, and the kids went to summer camp. Maleika came over to give me a massage with new techniques which were WONDERFUL and out of experience. Joan came over to be with us and brought the hat for me to try on. I didn't like it because of the pathetic blue color. It just irritated me. It felt like a pity color. It was not directed towards Joan who was so sweet to bring me and try it on so I wouldn't feel too bad about being baldness soon.

July 13, 2009

I slept a lot with little appetite, and the kids went to summer camp. Nothing fancy to post...

July 12, 2009

I slept a lot, little appetite. Slept, slept and slept…playing with computer, staring at nothingness, popping candies (pain killers) and drinking cough syrup to the last drop.

July 11, 2009

What a shitty day! Felt like as if I were plugged up in the ass. It was not a good morning for me because I spent hours in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. I refused to be apologetic to any visitors. But my dear friend, Robb was waiting outside patiently while I was moaning and groaning. L Finally toilet paper roll after toilet paper rolls---I was so relieved to get out of the bathroom to start the day all over again. I went outside to enjoy the sunshine with Robb and we talked about getting some things done for me. The tea bag…Maleika and Dan came by to drop off my kids who spent the night at their house. We enjoyed chatting; and I was loving and petting their new puppy, Gypsy. A beauty for Malibu breed dog.